Saint Dolly: A Living Testimony to Love, Its Costs, and Its Endurance
On Our Souls’ Mission, Divorce, and the Endurance of Love
If there is anything I know about Dolly, it is that she was a Lover. She loved life and people, and had a great, abiding Love for our great, mysteriously knowable Universe. I can point to her prolific songwriting catalog, humanitarianism, philanthropy, and the countless tales of what folks say she’s like behind the scenes to prove it! Guided by Love’s compass, she left a living testimony to what she not only knew but embodied. As I seek to pilot myself in offering my gifts and talents, I look to her as a masterclass in navigating one’s life with authenticity, grace, and grit. No one could affectionately dismiss a band of haters with Dolly’s wit and distinctive sass! Even as she became a living legend and icon, she remained rooted in her people and their valleys while her heart had room for everyone.
She was a living saint who has now become a saint ancestor. Only saints like Dolly can transcend our imaginations of what is possible for humans while remaining humble and modest, so that others feel comfortable sharing their darkest shame and horror. For me, she reminds me that even as one’s influence increases, I should not succumb to my ego’s whims but instead remain centered on the soul’s purpose: to surrender and embody Love more fully.
Last week while on retreat, I was asked what Love has cost me; I said, “everything.” Then I was asked what it has given me: “everything.” I further elaborated, specifying, “It’s cost me my marriage.”After I named his emotional and physical distance, my ex-husband, Nicholas, reluctantly said, “I think God is calling us in two separate directions.” Immediately, my heart cracked wide open; I shrieked, and I felt as if I were being sliced into two halves with no ground or sky massive enough to hold my chest’s agony. Our marriage had entered acute hospice, and I clung to Nicholas, my best friend in the entire Universe, as I felt the honest sting of his admission in my decompensation.
A few people in my life remarked that he was not owning his choices, saying that God was being used as an excuse. But, for someone who has lived a life doing his best to obey “the still small voice,” which is nothing less than another name for Love, I knew differently. We did not have a perfect marriage, but we were committed to trusting in the great Love that permeated our 15-year relationship. So, as Nicholas reluctantly uttered those words, I could hear the divine clarity of our marriage’s death knell, and it could not be unrung.
Dolly’s husband, Carl, died around the same time as my marriage. I used to remark that Nicholas was like Carl in that he was willing to let one half of the couple take all the attention while supporting from behind. And in March 2025, while listening to her ode to the Love of her life, “If you hadn’t been there,” I thought, that’s exactly how I feel about Nicholas. Our commitment to Love was shared, and we kept it at the center, which meant speaking the divine truth, as we best heard it. All in service to one another, as helpmates, for our becoming and evolution.
If you hadn't been there
Where would I be?
Without your trust
Love and belief
The ups and downs
We've always shared
And I wouldn't be here
If you hadn't been there
If you hadn't been there
Well, who would I be?
You've always see the best in me
Your loving arms have cradled me
You held me close, and I believe
I wouldn't be here
If you hadn't been there
Holding my hand
Showing you care
You made me dream
More than I dared
And I wouldn't be here
If you hadn't been there
Oh, you are my rock (mm)
A soft place to land
My wings, my confidence
You understand
Your willingness
Beyond compare
No, I wouldn't be here
If you hadn't been there
I wouldn't be here
If you hadn't been there
Pushing me on
When I was scared
I thank God and you (thank God and you)
Oh, for your loving care
And for giving me Love
With more to spare
You made me climb
And top the stairs
I wouldn't be here
I wouldn't be here
If you hadn't been there
I wouldn't be here
If you hadn't been there
As I begin my third year at a job that has been an answer to prayers I did not know I had been praying for, I work with a blissful disposition, even amid its challenges and limitations. I remain grateful to have landed in a career that has room enough for my complexities and vision. I applaud my own Dolly-like down-home tenacity, colorful creativity, and spicy southern sass in getting here. But I owe a lot to many others, especially Nicholas. While I was earning my master’s and PhD, he often warmly rubbed my back and cheered me on as I hunched over in panic, looking at a computer. Whenever I had a big moment or interview, he was there to tell me to step up my game and practice being more confident so I could more fully own my power and abilities. He also had his quips when it was time for my ego to be checked. The divine truth comes in many forms that can be equally accepted! If he had not been in my life, I might still have ended up a professor at a fancy school, but I do not think I would know how deeply Love offers transformation. It moves through different seasons and adapts to new moments. And if we say yes to whatever Love brings or takes, we experience its glories more brightly.
We may not have had Dolly and Carl’s 60 years together, but we shared the same Love: I am a better man because of him, and he’s a better man because of me. A few months ago, while sifting through a book in my office, a 3 x 5 note card from Nicholas fell out, reading, “I Love you to the moon and back.” Gulp. In that moment, I asked myself, “Hayden, do I want to feel this pain or not?” “You could stuff this feeling in a bag and quickly stuff this card back, and deal with both later,” but then I thought, “Hayden, what does Love ask of you in this moment?” I answered myself, begrudgingly with an inner eye roll, “to experience all of what it has to offer.” Deep breath. I then allowed the pain to wash over me. And I felt the same sting as before, but only about 1% of it. Hmm, that was not as bad as I thought. Then the next thought that came to me was, “to the moon and back.” Chuckle. “Well, that’s true.” It’s not the same kind of Love, but nonetheless it’s still there, and I’m grateful for it. I put the note card back in the book (don’t ask which one; I don’t remember) and then smiled. Not everyone can say they had or have what we do. If I have to feel that 1% of the pain every time I think of Nicholas and our 15 years together, it would be worth it for the joy and gratitude I feel now.
Dolly, as all great lovers do, turned heartbreak and grief into art, and more Love. I hope to use my heartbreaks to do the same. As her most famous song (one of the most widely known songs in history), I Will Always Love You, reminds us, Love endures. With her becoming Love itself, so will Dolly.
And as I light my candles to grieve her, I will also celebrate her soul’s triumphant life. May she enter the other world and experience the highest bliss.